I'm always trying to "figure it out." What exactly "it" is, I'm not sure of, although vaguely I think I'm trying to eliminate all confusion relevant to living. Everytime I come up with some model or some analysis of how and when we should do somthing, I always get confused as to whether it's the right choice. Now, there are tons of systems out there for making choices, such as Christianity, or intuition. But even then, they're only based on probalistic outcomes... I've already munched on good systems, now I'm worried about making the probabilities of happiness good. Ironically, in the process, I am hurting myself, and therefore, failing at the happiness part just by pursuing the process. DAH! Anyways, here's a slice of my morning confusion.
Phil... first, the techincal understanding is always weighed in by the emotional intelligence, but finally, I still think it's an art, that's ultimately what it is.
However you need some sort of system, I agree, for determining which decisions are better, which one's are worse, for figuring out direction, where you want to put your efforts etc..
unfortunately your choice of that system will also be an art, you're not gonig to find the programming in being and nothingness, there'll be so many things you have to find, well, you could be like sartre, it's still an art though, my choice to find that book, because I care, I mean, likewell, what are you looking for.
I dunno, I just want to program this body correctly, or not correctly, but optimally, do the right thing?
Why? I dunno, I take life very seriously, it's important, also, because I see so many flaws, I don't think it's worth it though.
I like your principles method.
Dude, there are flaws in Existentialism, you'll see... what, this you invent or whatever, it won't provide you much satisfaction.
maybe I'm a philosophy major, i dunno, these guys, get them off my back, I'm not going to waste my time, cuz I see them, and in the end, they all just go off their most basic things, which are irritating, like their basic fears, their basic agonies, they still invoke their stupiditiy... and look @ sartre, you think he had it figured out, what about socrates, man, they just get rendered, well, sartre didn't get rendered into confusion, he lived a very happy life and fucked a lot.
I dunno, he was also bitter as well. hell is other people.
and what if you don't like the answer.
i dunno, part of me feels like I can find the answers, that I can figure it all out.
but you're not trying to figure it out though, you're just looking for the way to live optimally.
but don't you think it doesn't matter? I mean, like... life's evaluating measure is usually happiness, and it's a series of days in which you're happy.
what if I tread down the wrong path, what if I should be gonig to school?
so what?! we all make mistakes man.
yeah, your system thinking should somehow account for the notion of systemic change, and the possibility of mistakes.
it should deal with the what if, this is all wrong, and you should always taint your understanding with the uncertantiy that the system will change.
yeah, i can't commit to studying phsychology or existentialism, cuz that may never come to me, I may fall in love.
there are certain things you can say probabilistically about though, like for example, maslow's ladder doesn't change, your desire for independence is completely essential to your character, emotional intelligence is the only true meta system.
yeah, my interpretation of my principles, that could definitely change, you change frequently over time.
you always have to factor that in, at least factor in the... yes, this system is definitely gonig to change.
yeah, i'm sure my system will chaneg, it evolves, and life is a growing process.
given that the system is going to change.
so on my principle-centered life. dude, I'm not going back to school, funny, this is truly setting me in a very specific direction... ging to school woul also set me ina very specific direction, one of being a part of the society, getting a job, a career, yeah, it doesn't look good down that path.
okay, so how do I deal with the principle-centered life?
yeah, given that my system of tihnking will definitely change and evolve.. my interpretations could be all wrong .... how should I modify my principle-based system?
Well, first, yeah, get it out of minute-like interference, which I've already done. Then, use it as an idea-generating measure, or another thing to consult with... like if you
okay, well, it's good enough for giving you a basic framework, like a council that you consult with to get opinions. You have a tricky situation, you open up the toolshed, see what all the characters say:
- bear pain guys
- the expediency ppl
- the principles
- the case-watch
and you get a general sense, but then, you still must interpret. You can't come up with a rule, but usually speaking, I'd probably bat for my principles just because that's maslow's ladder, at least that one I feel the most certain about.
yeah, so it's mixed, whatever, i hate that. yeah, I can't take my system too far, and you'll never be able to, so much will always be up in the air.
well, I guess that this is fine. In life, the answers are never clear cut, and you should get used to that early on. Doesn't mean you can't make clear-cut decisions, but don't walk around with the illusion that this is 100% certain the right thing to do, shit in life is too complex to quantify.
This most recent spat of confusion came up as a result of trying to find cause to put a cap on my worries. My principle-centered thinking said that it would be wise to cap my worries at a fixed level because it would keep me calm and would give me room for when I'd have to deal with something truly serious, then I should start worrying. But then I reminded myself that my penchant for worry is what came up with that system in the first place. ACK! When I have a system that issues a call to change itself, that's where I find the trickest situations to dicipher... and then I descended into this what if, what if, what if... usually, what if I'm wrong... I guess I'm just responding by saying, look, "what if" will always be there, factor that in there forever and adapt!
God, I feel like Fitzgerald in his "Crack-up." Well not exactly. I feel like I'm making progress. I'm not some pure artist who only meditates on his ills and doesn't actually try to resurrect himself (as I gathered from his essay). + I'm still in my youth, and I've heard, ppl get confused when they're young and stabilize when they get older. BUT THERE'S NO GUARANTEE, many people stay depressed forever... aaah. I'm too expedient for that though, at some point, if this "figuring out" attitude gets me into trouble too much, I'd probably let it go and just be a schlep like everybody else, fall in love, and roll with the wind.
Because really, that's what this is all about. Control. Like the Matrix.
Wednesday, Sep 10, 2003
