Philosophistry

Dependency Network Model of the Self

It's the middle of the year. How many New Year's resolutions have you forgotten?

New Year's resolutions are miniature forms of self-change and self-programming. What I've learned from my own self-programming is that not every trait is worth changing. Some habits are just impossible to break.

This failure comes from improperly placing our efforts. My theory is that New Year's resolutions and other attempts to change ourselves fail when we only target the symptoms, as opposed to the causes, of a behavior. I've come up with a diagram to explain how to go about changing ourselves and therefore our destinies.

Here is a legend:

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Here is a sample model of the interaction of various traits:

In other words, not all traits are created equal. Some traits are more like roots that support the whole behavior of the person. Others are just leaves, depending on certain core characteristics.

If you want to change who you are, your best bet is to operate on causes. These are likely to be core beliefs and biases that instruct the rest of your behavior. We are webs of traits. If you make the right change, you can affect the whole system by targeting only one node.

For example, I have an idealism-bias that constantly forces me to be dissatisfied with conversations, projects, and life. I sometimes try to mask my irritation, but after a day or two, I'm back to my same ol' dissatisfied self. I need to go to the source and target my core, fundamental values that I have blindly held most of my life. If I attack a few cornerstone fallacies in my thinking, I have the potential to affect my entire fate.

Does putting walls around your thoughts create a tunnel to success?

Should I start to obey social norms?

I'm not talking about the norms that prevent wearing flourescent-green Hawaiian shirts at funerals; these I already follow. I'm talking about obeying norms in the mind such as, "don't think too much" or "be yourself."

Here is an illustration of what I mean by these "mental norms":

I approach a buddy of mine and ask him, "What's the secret to getting girls?"
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He responds, "Phil, you don't get girls, and you shouldn't treat them like objects. You're trying too hard. Just be yourself and good things will come your way. How do I know this? Because I believe there is someone for everyone. That's what my intuition says, and it’s always good to search your heart for answers."

What is that crap? It's useless. What is in there that is considered good advice? This is not even advice; rather it's more like vague suggestions. Even so, how can I trust those suggestions? Are they even suggestions, or are they just statements that come to you when you've succeeded?

"Whatever it is, there's wisdom in there somewhere. Just meditate on it for a while, and at some point it will hit you, and then you'll come to an understanding. Trust me, I've been there."

Psychologists would call this line of thinking a defense mechanism. When rational thinking is absent, most people will rely on some canned appeal to "acceptability" to determine how to process their thoughts. They'll say, "I shouldn't think too much" without considering whether something is worth thinking about. Life for these people is a fumbling through standard pathways, with the general aim to obtain emotional equilibrium. So whenever their minds drift into scary territory, they will run back within the bounds, shut off their minds, and then turn on their TV.

"Oh whatever, just take a chill pill, and everything will be alright."

I clearly cannot just take a chill pill. I have to know why first. What's the cost-benefit to me relaxing at this very moment? When someone pushes a norm like that onto me without backing it up, I'm hesitant to accept. I fear taking advice prima facie without analysis, because I worry that caving into the canned response is precisely what gets people into trouble.

"One life to live bro, she's hot, and she's right there. You know the 'One Ocean Rule' right? If you and your girlfriend are separated by an ocean, it's not considered 'cheating'"

*Hmmpf*

Unfortunately, our survival depends largely on thoughtlessly accepting rules and norms. Imagine if you had to provide a risk-analysis for every decision tree, you would go neurotic. I know I go neurotic, trying to guide this marble of my life down the right chutes. Maybe I should approach life as others do, like pseudo-pinball, bouncing around the boundaries of "normalcy."

So what am I going to do? "We'll wait and see."

Broken Marble - An Analogy for Living

Doesn't it seem like self-help books just keep people on the self-help track?

Choosing to pick a self-help book is not a remedy, but a symptom: if the reader did not have a problem, they would not have sought the help. Therefore, the goal of psychotherapy, whether it is in self-help books or in sessions lying on a couch, should be to remove the need to seek help in the first place. However, this is not a profitable strategy, and so it’s no surprise that things are this way.

And so I offer this metaphor to help others truly help themselves.
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Imagine a marble that has a third of it chipped off. If the marble rolled on the table, it would inch forward at first, but eventually gravitate in one direction. The marble will veer off and follow a spiral circle until it stands still. No matter how much effort is made to transcend this path, the marble will be befuddled by its lopsidedness. People similar to this marble are frustrated in their attempts to change their station. They eventually remain content in equilibrium and resign themselves to a routine. To them, life has nothing more to offer except a Honda Civic and a Rolex watch at retirement. The majority of Americans are of this type, spinning around until life runs out of steam.

Imagine another marble similarly cleaved, but broken on both sides instead of just one. This marble resembles more of a disk than a sphere. It's a little different than a disk, as a disk has a straight circumference; this marble has a tortured edge, sometimes forking off into canyons and mountains. In order for this marble to roll without tumbling into its fractured valleys, it must struggle to stay on its flat edge. Imagine its movements like that of bent ring, wiggling on its side in order to remain upright. People with this shape are struggling to avoid the pitfalls in their life. Ultimately, they develop complicated contingencies like, "in this situation, do x, in that situation do y, but if I do x and y too much, I must do z." Self-help books target these people, providing them with complicated plans, rules, and principles. However, these books only mask the symptoms, when something more fundamental needs to change.

Finally, imagine the full marble. All that needs to be said is that this sphere can roll on all sides. If there is a path it wishes to take, it merely wills it, and the ball gets rolling immediately. These are those calm people you meet who are not error-prone. They somehow always end up on the positive side of situations, which is reflected in their attitude that "things work themselves out." They've mastered steering through life.

The goal in personal development should be to build a complete character, as this is the path to long-term growth. Because if someone is missing fundamentals like compassion, rationality, or self-acceptance, no book or plan is going to help. All of these books first give the sense of an arc of progress, but ultimately hide their true form: a downward spiral to nowhere.