Some definitions are in order:

infatuation - A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction

love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude

(phil's usage of) angst - A feeling of anxiety or apprehension based on an intense desire to do something.

my personal story

I was lying on the floor, frustrated, and pestering myself with the question, "what am I going to do with myself? why should I work? why should I do anything?" This was the beginning of last week, but I've been in that floor-angst zone many times. There are three cases that I want to cover here: once in April of last year, once this past July after I graduated, and once at the beginning of this week.

At the beginning of last year, I could have sworn I was going to be a painter. I had painted intensely thirty or so abstract acrylics. Since the act of creating each painting energized my spirits, I figured I was "pursuing my passions." To me, this is what I was meant to do.

My motivation for painting came to a halt when I considered exhibiting my work. I started out aggressive. On one day, I met about 20 gallery owners, and then the next day I started making brochures of my paintings. But after a week, something started chewing at me. I kept asking myself, "is this what I really want to do?" and "do I really care about painting?" I was so stressed by this confusion and all the effort I was putting into marketing that I caught a cold. I then gave up and started looking for other things to do.

A few months later, I then thought I was going to be a writer! How did I go from painting to writing? Well, my logic was that maybe painting wasn't my true passion. So, I asked my heart, "what moves you," and it drew me into blogging and writing essays. Boom, I went all aggressive into writing like I did with painting and put out maybe 300 articles. Writing did to me what painting did, which was send me to energetic highs. My emotions were so intense that I thought, "yes, this MUST be what I want to do, look how it moves me, look how it engages me!"

So I decided to become a professional writer. I had an idea for a short-story and a novel, and I started brainstorming. After a few days though, all my energy fell flat. I felt similar to how I felt with trying to exhibit my paintings. When it came to doing my art for reasons other than a personal high, my angst would return and my motivation would evaporate.

This last week, I was hit again with a similar impasse, but this time I took a different approach. I analyzed myself and came to the idea that maybe the "pursuit of passion" may not be enough to satisfy my angst. Maybe, in addition to me enjoying a project, the project needs to create a sense of meaning in me. So, for example, while I enjoy being in the throes of creative inspiration while painting or writing, I don't really care about painting in general. I enjoy paintings in museums, sure, but I don't walk up to them and think to myself, "yes, this matters." So my understanding is that painting and writing are purely infatuations to me. They can give me all the symptoms of love without truly setting me "in love." And the difference between being in love and having an infatuation is that love combines passion with solicitude or a caring. When you love something, it not only inspires and moves you, but it compells you to give and nurture.

So, if you are trying to find meaningful projects by simply pursuing what turns you on, you may not find yourself deeply satisfied and fulfilled. Meaning or purpose in life can only come when you have something you love.

Theory behind this

Purpose and meaning in life are emotions that indicate that we are needed for tomorrow. When you love something or someone and you care about how it or they fare in the future, then you automatically take on a role where you are needed.

PS

What is it that I care about? Well, I'm still pinning that down. I have a project I'm working on, and I want to see if it can sustain a sense of purpose in me.

I'd like to thank Mel Gibson for teaching me that "Ecce homo" is Latin for "Behold the Man." This is what Pontius Pilate proclaims to the mob of querulous Jews as he plants the crown of thorns on Jesus' head.

What I beheld in man--and woman--as I stomached The Passion of the Christ was the power of loyalty. At least a hundred times in the film, someone gazed into Jesus' eyes, enraptured with hope and faith. Early on, we see Peter perch up like a gopher with nervous hands both near his chest and tilted outward as if to gesture, "Lord, I will gladly sacrifice my heart for you."

Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.
Bible, Ruth 1:16 (Random Bible Quote)

Hominids must have necessitated messiahs and religions at some point in evolution. As they were arising up on two feet they must have also arisen as proto-philosophers, wondering not only where they came from, what they were made of, and where they were going, but most importantly what they were to do. Loyalty provided the cure of purpose through the vehicle of self-sacrifice.

To nail-in the concept of loyalty, I ask you to reflect: when was the last time you felt fiercely loyal?

Continue reading...

The method for figuring out the purpose of life is the same for figuring out the purpose of any object or tool. You see a knife, you know it's for cutting. You see a camera, you see it's for taking pictures. To figure what life is for, look at yourself, your hands, your eyes, your mind, your heart, etc., and then imagine what it could possibly be designed for. That's, hopefully, one way to respond to the big "Search for Meaning."

(thanks Sartre for the paperknife analogy in Existentialism is a Humanism.)