Some definitions are in order:
infatuation - A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction
love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude
(phil's usage of) angst - A feeling of anxiety or apprehension based on an intense desire to do something.
my personal story
I was lying on the floor, frustrated, and pestering myself with the question, "what am I going to do with myself? why should I work? why should I do anything?" This was the beginning of last week, but I've been in that floor-angst zone many times. There are three cases that I want to cover here: once in April of last year, once this past July after I graduated, and once at the beginning of this week.
At the beginning of last year, I could have sworn I was going to be a painter. I had painted intensly thirty or so abstract acrylics. Since the act of creating each painting energized my spirits, I figured I was "pursuing my passions." To me, this is what I was meant to do.
My motivaiton for painting came to a halt when I considered exhibiting my work. I started out aggressive. On one day, I met about 20 gallery owners, and then the next day I started making brochures of my paintings. But after a week, something started chewing at me. I kept asking myself, "is this what I really want to do?" and "do I really care about painting?" I was so stressed by this confusion and all the effort I was putting into marketing that I caught a cold. I then gave up and started looking for other things to do.
A few months later, I then thought I was going to be a writer! How did I go from painting to writing? Well, my logic was that maybe painting wasn't my true passion. So, I asked my heart, "what moves you," and it drew me into blogging and writing essays. Boom, I went all aggressive into writing like I did with painting and put out maybe 300 articles. Writing did to me what painting did, which was send me to energetic highs. My emotions were so intense that I thought, "yes, this MUST be what I want to do, look how it moves me, look how it engages me!"
So I decided to become a professional writer. I had an idea for a short-story and a novel, and I started brainstorming. After a few days though, all my energy fell flat. I felt similar to how I felt with trying to exhbit my paintings. When it came to doing my art for reasons other than a personal high, my angst would return and my motivation would evaporate.
This last week, I was hit again with a similar impasse, but this time I took a different approach. I analyzed myself and came to the idea that maybe the "pursuit of passion" may not be enough to satisfy my angst. Maybe, in addition to me enjoying a project, the project needs to create a sense of meaning in me. So, for example, while I enjoy being in the throes of creative inspiration while painting or writing, I don't really care about painting in general. I enjoy paintings in museums, sure, but I don't walk up to them and think to myself, "yes, this matters." So my understanding is that painting and writing are purely infatuations to me. They can give me all the symptoms of love without truly setting me "in love." And the difference between being in love and having an infatuation is that love combines passion with solicitude or a caring. When you love something, it not only inspires and moves you, but it compells you to give and nurture.
So, if you are trying to find meaningful projects by simply pursuing what turns you on, you may not find yourself deeply satisfied and fulfilled. Meaning or purpose in life can only come when you have someting you love.
Theory behind this
Purpose and meaning in life are emotions that indicate that we are needed for tomorrow. When you love something or someone and you care about how it or they fare in the future, then you automatically take on a role where you are needed.
PS
What is it that I care about? Well, I'm still pinning that down. I have a project I'm working on, and I want to see if it can sustain a sense of purpose in me.
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I'd like to thank Mel Gibson for teaching me that "Ecce homo" is Latin for "Behold the Man." This is what Pontius Pilate proclaims to the mob of querulous Jews as he plants the crown of thorns on Jesus' head.
What I beheld in man--and woman--as I stomached The Passion of the Christ was the power of loyalty. At least a hundred times in the film, someone gazed into Jesus' eyes, enraptured with hope and faith. Early on, we see Peter perch up like a gopher with nervous hands both near his chest and tilted outward as if to gesture, "Lord, I will gladly sacrifice my heart for you."
Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.Hominids must have necessitated messiahs and religions at some point in evolution. As they were arising up on two feet they must have also arisen as proto-philosophers, wondering not only where they came from, what they were made of, and where they were going, but most importantly what they were to do. Loyalty provided the cure of purpose through the vehicle of self-sacrifice.
Bible, Ruth 1:16 (Random Bible Quote)
To nail-in the concept of loyalty, I ask you to reflect: when was the last time you felt fiercely loyal?
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Phil's Romantic Digression to Illustrate Impact of "Loyalty"
My deepest memory of loyalty was when I came to the aid of a lover of mine over the last nine days of the school. We discovered in spring that she was the victim of identity theft and we suspected that the perpetrator was one of her close "friends." The cause of fear was that this "friend" was also a bit psychotic and in possession of weapons: she packed a gun in her car and hung a butcher knife on her wall that had the names of enemies inscribed on it.
As my friend explained the situation to me, I was immediately struck with a sense of mission. I became aggressive in gathering evidence on the identity thief and aggressive in coordinating with authorities. My friend had to move out so I helped in packing, ignoring the needs of the quarter's finals. I transformed into an obedient dog, ready to do anything she needed. Courage sprung up within me as well as a healthy irrational animus toward the evil-doer. I donned her struggle, her pain, her strife, and made it my own. And I felt great. I felt driven by internal compellation, like a magnet was yanking me forward. I felt alive.
The quarter then passed, the danger disappeared, and I de-animated, returning to my nihilistic equilibrium. I went back home and painted for the first months of summer and then did some web design in the second half. San Diego was enjoyable and relaxing, with the sun consistently lightening up each day. However, no matter how bright that summer was, those three months will never shine like the sun's reflection off the stucco by the window of her new place, as I climbed in once a day for those nine days and felt important.
Sure, it's not as dramatic a story as when Kerry ordered his gunboat back into enemy fire to save his buddy. But still, there's my strongest instance of loyalty, and that's how good it tasted. Either way, I'm sure you would agree, based on your experiences, that devotion is one of life's sweet gifts.
Back to the main idea
Christianity and other religions' main draw is a similar sentiment. Every Sunday, millions of Christians huddle together to renew their loyalty to an ancient Superman. Even if some don't believe whole-heartedly in the Bible story, just being around other devotees inculcates the same feelings in them. For a few moments, the nihilistic specter of life is vanquished, and the worshippers feel alive.
So the point of The Passion is to pound Jesus' martyrdom into the audience's collective head in case they have forgotten where their loyalties lie. It has apparently done the trick as millions are feeling more faithful, especially with their pocket book, by buying the soundtrack and books in droves.
I personally did not feel rapturous watching The Passion of the Christ. Rather I was astonished at the stares of Jesus' faithful followers, experiencing a proxy to the billions of descendents who are still loyal to the same, single hero.
The following are the necessary disclosures on the controversies of the film.
On the violencia
Roger Ebert said that The Passion is cinema's most violent, which is significant considering how many movies that critic has seen. Perhaps he is correct. The Passion is certainly the most gut-wrenching in detail: the audience is treated to the blood on Jesus's crown of thorns, dripping and glistening like Christmas lights, in addition to the shine of Our Lord's crusty, gelatinous backside on account of the whipping.
On the anti-Semitismo
If I was Christian, unintelligent, and already had a seething suspicion about Jews, this film would fan the flames. But this is the same with any movie that involves a class of people as the enemy. For example, in True Lies the glorious Arnold Schwarzenegger battles silly Iranian terrorists which probably incites anti-Iranian attitudes on some level.
The question is then reduced to whether or not Mel is trying to be anti-Semitic. The answer is not so clear as Pontius Pilate's lack of culpability was over-emphasized, but so was Jesus' "Jewish" co-bearer of the cross. I'm not a master of the topic of anti-Semitism, so I won't settle this debate. My intuition is that while Mel tried to be fair, I'd be surprised if there wasn't some Jewish hate lurking around somewhere in his head.
Random note
I guess being the son of God means you can build IKEA-style tables by hand with no problems. Go Jesus! Which reminds me of Owen Wilson in Meet the Parents, explaining to Greg Focker that he made the "khoppa" because JC was a carpenter. Good times.
Off-topic notes
Sorry for the week-long respite of posting, I was busy with finals. Oh yeah, and Noam Chomsky e-mailed me on Wednesday. I had asked him what were his thoughts on the shock election in Madrid. He told me that I should check out an editorial in the Financial Times (which I'm still looking for) and then he went off on the cowardice of Anzar's choice to engage in Iraq against the wishes of 90% of his people. He noted that this was the true shame on democracy, and not the election of the anti-war Socialist Party. I mentioned Chomsky last week here. You should note that the white-on-beige graphic in my blogfabric is in rememberance of those who died on 3/11 in Madrid (Read the Original Reference)
The method for figuring out the purpose of life is the same for figuring out the purpose of any object or tool. You see a knife, you know it's for cutting. You see a camera, you see it's for taking pictures. To figure what life is for, look at yourself, your hands, your eyes, your mind, your heart, etc., and then imagine what it could possibly be designed for. That's, hopefully, one way to respond to the big "Search for Meaning."
(thanks Sartre for the paperknife analogy in Existentialism is a Humanism.)